Thank God for chocolate. I'm sitting alone at Zupas, chewing a rocky road brownie as I stare of into space. It may look like I'm spacing out, but I'm actually processing. I've realized that I'm a pro at processing (in the moment) what other people are going through as I observe them, but my processing speed about what I am going through in the moment is definitely not as fast. I'm trying to let myself take the time to process before I move on to the next task in my day so I don't bury it and have it pop up later as a fountain of tears at the exact wrong moment. I just came from a professional meeting that ultimately was good but had some rough spots--feeling shamed and undermined being a couple of those spots. As I'm trying to process this experience, the doubts come... "Is this worth it?" "What am I doing?" "What do I think I am doing??" ... "Am I making the best difference I can make?" "Am I even making a difference???" ... I finish up my brownie and the bathroom is finally free. I lug in all my shtuff (the laptop with the lesson plan still not written), and eventually find myself in front of the mirror. I stare into my eyes and feel exhausted and something like "I don't understand".
 could be like this |  the dramatic part of me wants it to be like this |  when actually it's probably more like this |  or this |
Then, over the Zupas speaker system comes the catchy phrase of a song I discovered months ago and is just now REALLY hitting me: "Carry o-o-o-o-n! (It's weird to try and write holding out a vowel) Let your past be the sound of your feet about the ground, Carry o-o-o-on. Carry on, Carry on!" And I realize that I will, because He wants me too and He makes all things possible.
Thank God for Fun..
***
Lean Cuisine. It's just been that kinda day. I mean, week. My heart is tight and shut. I still haven't fully processed the afore mentioned meeting experience and other things are raising the water/drowning level. My roommates try and connect but my efforts in reciprocity are weak. I have 45 minutes to eat and study my scriptures, which I haven't gotten to yet today. For the last two weeks, scripture study has been my guiding light, saving grace, iron rod. Yup, all the cliches. I send a quick question up: "What do I need?" Yup, peace. Again. That seems to be the word of the month for me. I feel to turn to Helaman 5, near the end where it talks about how to remove the "cloud of darkness" -- which I totally have goin' on. First verse I read: "Ye must repent--" alright! alright... doing. Next part, "Cry unto the Lord even until ye shall have faith in Christ." So I do. I close my eyes and almost literally start to cry. Wow, that outer wall of my heart is really hard right now. I can feel the pressure in my chest and the fear of letting go of control clinging to keeping my heart tight and shut. I will Light... from Him. I will this Light for a while. Then I really give in to crazy impulses and feel to pray for every cell in my body to be full of gratitude. I find a bit of sunshine pouring through the kitchen window and stand in it, trying to soak in the eastern mountains through the glass pane. My arms spread eagle. I need Love and I don't care who knows it.
It works. I feel transformed. I yell down the hall that I'm sorry for being ... whatever I was being, and run to get ready for the evening's events. A roommate comes in and let's me blow off the steam of that experience that wasn't fully processed. (Oh, vagueness.) Very helpful. Bless her. And I head to watch my student's performance. Which they rocked. (Plus, a friend just reminded me that laughter is healing and being with my students and watching them definitely WAS healing. There is so much joyful laughter when I'm with my ScenicView family.)
GRATITUDE!!! It's real, people.
***
Chips and Salsa. (It really does always comes back to food. Hm. I'll process that later...) I'm sitting on my couch calming my mind and body down after a long and crazy day as I snack and watch the latest Mormon Messages. (This is "Productive Vegging"--it's short because it's late and I gotta get to bed soon, and I can go to bed not feeling worry consume my entire soul because the Abbey at Downtown is in an uproar again.) I feel drawn to watch the latest "Esther" and then the "Stephanie Nielson" one. I was finally able to process that other experience, but those questions are still boppin around when I give myself time to think. My heart is prepared as I remember Esther and her courage and the courage of women. Then I watch Stephanie's message. Not only is she so freakin' inspiring, but this song starts playing in the background called "It's All About Your Heart" by Mindy Gledhill... this happens to be my Autism Song. I know it's about Stephanie, but it really works for me. I would listen to it on the way to work with my little kids every day. "I don't mind your odd behavior, it's the very thing I love. If you were an ice cream flavor, you would be my favorite one. My imagination sees you like a painting of Van Gogh. Starry Nights and Bright Sunflowers follow you where you may go. Oh, I've loved you from the start. In every single way and more each passing day. You are brighter than the stars. Believe me when I say... It's not about your scars... it's all about your heart."
And peace returns.
God sends us Gifts. He sends us "taps", as Stephanie says. Reminders that He is there and aware. Some may call this coincidence. I can't. I can't deny the feeling I get that simultaneously there is a big ol' universe out there that He is in charge of AND He knows and loves my small spirit.
Thank God for everything. I hope you pardon the grammatical errors of this monologue and catch my feeling. He is so good and He answers prayers.
"Ask and Ye Shall Receive" is Real. Believe it. Try it with me. We fail, but we fail fabulously and become more.
Build the Kingdom. Relish Chocolate. Allow Peace. Over and out.
PS In an effort to be not so boring, I'm adding some videos.
Thank God for Fun..
***
Lean Cuisine. It's just been that kinda day. I mean, week. My heart is tight and shut. I still haven't fully processed the afore mentioned meeting experience and other things are raising the water/drowning level. My roommates try and connect but my efforts in reciprocity are weak. I have 45 minutes to eat and study my scriptures, which I haven't gotten to yet today. For the last two weeks, scripture study has been my guiding light, saving grace, iron rod. Yup, all the cliches. I send a quick question up: "What do I need?" Yup, peace. Again. That seems to be the word of the month for me. I feel to turn to Helaman 5, near the end where it talks about how to remove the "cloud of darkness" -- which I totally have goin' on. First verse I read: "Ye must repent--" alright! alright... doing. Next part, "Cry unto the Lord even until ye shall have faith in Christ." So I do. I close my eyes and almost literally start to cry. Wow, that outer wall of my heart is really hard right now. I can feel the pressure in my chest and the fear of letting go of control clinging to keeping my heart tight and shut. I will Light... from Him. I will this Light for a while. Then I really give in to crazy impulses and feel to pray for every cell in my body to be full of gratitude. I find a bit of sunshine pouring through the kitchen window and stand in it, trying to soak in the eastern mountains through the glass pane. My arms spread eagle. I need Love and I don't care who knows it.
It works. I feel transformed. I yell down the hall that I'm sorry for being ... whatever I was being, and run to get ready for the evening's events. A roommate comes in and let's me blow off the steam of that experience that wasn't fully processed. (Oh, vagueness.) Very helpful. Bless her. And I head to watch my student's performance. Which they rocked. (Plus, a friend just reminded me that laughter is healing and being with my students and watching them definitely WAS healing. There is so much joyful laughter when I'm with my ScenicView family.)
GRATITUDE!!! It's real, people.
***
Chips and Salsa. (It really does always comes back to food. Hm. I'll process that later...) I'm sitting on my couch calming my mind and body down after a long and crazy day as I snack and watch the latest Mormon Messages. (This is "Productive Vegging"--it's short because it's late and I gotta get to bed soon, and I can go to bed not feeling worry consume my entire soul because the Abbey at Downtown is in an uproar again.) I feel drawn to watch the latest "Esther" and then the "Stephanie Nielson" one. I was finally able to process that other experience, but those questions are still boppin around when I give myself time to think. My heart is prepared as I remember Esther and her courage and the courage of women. Then I watch Stephanie's message. Not only is she so freakin' inspiring, but this song starts playing in the background called "It's All About Your Heart" by Mindy Gledhill... this happens to be my Autism Song. I know it's about Stephanie, but it really works for me. I would listen to it on the way to work with my little kids every day. "I don't mind your odd behavior, it's the very thing I love. If you were an ice cream flavor, you would be my favorite one. My imagination sees you like a painting of Van Gogh. Starry Nights and Bright Sunflowers follow you where you may go. Oh, I've loved you from the start. In every single way and more each passing day. You are brighter than the stars. Believe me when I say... It's not about your scars... it's all about your heart."
And peace returns.
God sends us Gifts. He sends us "taps", as Stephanie says. Reminders that He is there and aware. Some may call this coincidence. I can't. I can't deny the feeling I get that simultaneously there is a big ol' universe out there that He is in charge of AND He knows and loves my small spirit.
Thank God for everything. I hope you pardon the grammatical errors of this monologue and catch my feeling. He is so good and He answers prayers.
"Ask and Ye Shall Receive" is Real. Believe it. Try it with me. We fail, but we fail fabulously and become more.
Build the Kingdom. Relish Chocolate. Allow Peace. Over and out.
PS In an effort to be not so boring, I'm adding some videos.
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